What the hell was THAT?

Posted at 12:44am - so when I say "tomorrow," that really means today. FYI. :)

As I was saying goodnight to the hubs and getting ready to settle in on the couch, I started getting a sensation something along the lines of "this kid finally punched through my cervix and I know if I check I'll have an arm hanging out of my vag." I'm not joking. I started panicing a little. Every movement the ninja made felt like things were just opening up for it to fall out.

Then I remembered that since my water still hasn't broken, that thankfully, that is not possible.

However, I am in full panic mode about WTF is going on down there. My pants-baby fears are not being quelled. I just spent the last 30 minutes googling "10 cms without pain" and "full dilation without warning." Luckily there wasn't much. But I'm still worried.

Huhhh, now the kid is awake and moving again. Sleep is not happening tonight. I just know it.

I have an "appointment" with John the Midwife tomorrow (appointment meaning I have to call and find out when to come in tomorrow morning) and part of me is wishing for induction or maybe "holy crap you're 8 cms dilated - to Labor & Delivery!" just because I can't imagine living with this baby-falling-out sensation for much longer.

How YOU doin?

Me? I'm okay. Had kind of a rough night of crampiness at 4am and mild anxiety due to said cramps. I'm already at wit's end with not knowing what's going on...whether any given cramps or pains might actually be labor or my body just being a jerk. I took a bath a little over an hour ago to ease the cramps, which helped...but now I'm back to being uncomfortable. While in the bath I started to get mad and upset about this whole situation. I'm upset with my body for not allowing me to enjoy what should be the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy. I'm mad that I've had to deal with contractions for nearly 4 months. I'm pissed that this bedrest is technically taking time away from my maternity leave after the baby is here. Having to worry about everything is what makes me most upset. I know that being calm and relaxed helps me to not have contractions and whatnot, but how can I be relaxed when I know what could be happening inside me?

::sigh::

Alright, time to get back to watching the Twins game I was supposed to be at with the hubs. He's there with one of his friends, which I insisted he do...because ONE of us should at least be there. (I will say, laying on the couch IS more comfy than the crappy plastic seats at the Dome, but my heart is breaking. Didn't know I was such a baseball fan, did you?)

Oooooo, you are SO GROUNDED.

I'm writing this post from my hospital bed, hoping for word that I'll be sent home soon...like this afternoon, maybe.

Long story short -

Yesterday I went to my appointment and received my weekly internal...and for the first time - was dilated. The MW I saw figured me to be a "stretchy 4cm" and off to Labor & Delivery I went.

They strapped me to a monitor and IV and I had to stay the night. The hubs was with me the whole time...even went home to get the laptop, camera (just in case) and a few other items.And slept in the poorest excuse for a bed I've ever seen. (Not that mine was any better!)

I was rechecked this morning. It was the most PAINFUL internal I've ever had (did he have the Freddy Krueger glove on or something?) but he determined I'm really more like 3cm, but no change really since the night before.

John the midwife seems to think that I should be able to go home this afternoon (although original plan was another night of observations). I told him that in all honesty, I felt no different prior to this appointment...and I had been SUPER active this past week, what with the hubs being laid up and all. He knows that I know my body, and when the contractions start being more real and less like they have been the past nearly 20 weeks. We live a mere 10 minutes from the hospital, so if labor truly begins, we're not that far away.

I am so glad I do not have an outside baby yet. I never lost my shit last night, but while sitting in the tub trying to relax while the hubs was getting some things from home...I suddenly felt like a 15 year old - wondering how I thought I was ready for this, that this couldn't be happening...what had I gotten myself into. But I pulled myself together and reminded myself that this wasn't happening yet. And it isn't...THANK GOD.

Mental note. PACK EFFING HOSPITAL BAG.

Today is panic day.

Usually, once a week or so (maybe every other week) I have a day where I randomly begin to panic about all the stuff I still have to do to get ready for this baby. I start making a shitty mental list of these items, and by the evening they've all since been forgotten because LOOK! TWO FULL HOURS OF FAMILY GUY ON TBS! Then, a week or so later the cycle continues.

So, I've committed myself to making a list - a real list - that I can carry with me, of all the things I have to do before this ninja/smudge/bebeh arrives.

As a side note - I'll like to sit down and talk to my frenemy - Sleep.

Listen up, Sleep. I know you and I really haven't been getting along well the past week or so. I know that my bladder makes most of the decisions around these parts - and you're not to blame. However...this whole "no position is comfortable so you may as well sleep in the closet on a pile of blankets" thing we've got going on isn't working...FOR ANYONE. I realized last night that what I thought was pregnancy induced carpal tunnel like symptoms is more than likely me sleeping with my hands balled into fists for some reason or another. Why, you ask? Who the eff knows. (Maybe because I'm waiting for you to show your ugly face so I can beat it to a pulp.) Also, my hips almost exploded out of their sockets overnight last night, despite the usage of a fafillion different kinds of pillows. And the boppy wedge that I chose to "wedge" behind my back in order to avoid rolling onto my back? Only made everything way WAY worse.

I dread nighttime now. I'm always so tired, and I look at our bed and I just want to cry. (Do you hear that Sleep? You're making a pregnant woman cry. You may as well off a couple puppies while you're at it.)

That is all.

(Tonight, I'll get a belly pic. Promise.)

Call me now for a free reading, dahrlin'!

Maybe I'm more in tune to my body than I think. Maybe I AM in fact, Ms Cleo's less-Jamaican intern.

I finally went to the doc yesterday because I was having a leaking sensation (again), and the midwife checked everything out and everything seemed good. He attributed the leaking sensation to the ridiculous amount of discharge I had. (gross) The tests he ran against it showed it wasn't amniotic fluid, and that my cervix was still thick and tight, but the baby's head was rightthere on my cervix. (PS - that makes my second internal - BOOO). He ran the test for the protein released when contractions are "going to work" and said he'd only call me if it came back positive, but that he didn't anticipate that happening since everything looked good.

He just said to take it easy and come back in a couple weeks for my normal appointment.

And then at 8:00pm last night he called. The test came back positive. He said this test result means I have a slight chance of going into labor in the next two weeks. BUT he also said I could go full term, too. So, he basically said I have to come in next week for another internal, and I shouldn't do anything out of the ordinary. Bed rest not required. If the BHs get close together again I need to come in and get hooked up to the monitors. He really was surprised that it came back positive. He said NOTHING from his exam pointed to this test coming back positive. He didn't think steroid shots were necessary at this point (to mature the baby's lungs).

(This is the webpage explaining the test.)

It seems like a lot of women have this test and still carry their babies to full term, but I'm still freaked out. I took today off so I could just lay and rest anyway...and I plan on doing that a lot this weekend.   I'm still having contractions, and of course, they're more uncomfortable than before, but I'm hoping that's just because I had a dude's hand up my vag for like, 10 minutes yesterday.

I was totally fine and being the calm one about it until I called my mom last night to tell her and then I cried like a baby. I'm not ready for an outside baby yet. AT ALL. Esp at this point.

But, it's really kind of out of my hands. The whole pregnancy really is. I'm doing all I can to keep this baby healthy and inside...and if my body wants to be a jerk and send me into pre-term labor, then it will. Of course, I'll still fight it till the end to keep this baby inside, but I can't control anything. Which is a really shitty feeling.

Thoughts, prayers, good vibes - whatever you have to offer would be appreciated. I'l take what I can get at this point to keep this baby inside.

This will be random.

I'm going through a weird time with this pregnancy...filled with odd anxieties and excitement. Maybe it's just par for the course at this point in the 9 months...but yeah...freaking myself out.

I have this irrational fear that something is wrong. That I'm somehow leaking amniotic fluid or that the baby has developed some weird issue. Do I have anything to back up these feelings? No. Not really. I'm thinking it's mostly due to the insane amount of braxton hicks I'm having and the fact that I haven't technically seen the baby for 2.5 months. I'm all worried that I'm going to go into labor like, tomorrow. Again...unfounded. I'm worried that my belly doesn't seem to have gotten any bigger in the past couple of weeks.

I don't have another appointment until the 17th. I don't know if I can wait that long to have someone reassure me that everything looks okay.

In other, less stressful news - our first birthing class is at 6:30 tonight. HOLY CRAP. And the baby's room is coming along quite well. Still waiting to take some more pictures until a couple more prints have been hung.

Unexpected benefits of losing a kitty.

Ladies (and gentlemen? There's gotta be at least one male reader, right?) - I actually slept through the night last night.

Holy crap.

Granted, I did wake up a couple times, but fell right back asleep. The most important part is that I did not get up ONCE - not even to pee. It's a miracle.

Sadly, I think it can be attributed to the fact that Miles is now in kitty heaven, and not knocking shit down every 2 hours because he's hungry or bored or just wants to be an ass.

And thus, the story. If you cry easily or just lost a pet or just don't feel like being depressed, I wouldn't bother reading the rest of this post. But it feels good to get it out there, so...here it is.

I'll start by saying the hubs is like, my effing hero. He was so strong for me when I couldn't be.

When I got home from work, the hubs had Miles outside in the front and I walked up from the train and just lost it. He felt so bad...but it wasn't even just seeing Miles, I'd been holding it in all day. To make matters worse, Miles was seemingly fine when I got home. I mean, I knew he'd get cruddy again at some point, but he was having a good moment of no snot or sneezing or anything. Then I started having second thoughts and was feeling so guilty for even considering putting him down, but the hubs kept reminding me that he WAS really sick.

We got there and they put us in this "Grieving room" that was like, a nicer, private waiting room. Our vet came in to put a catheter in his arm and reassured me that I was making the right decision. Hearing a medical professional say it made me feel better too. So, she came back with him and discussed what they were going to do, and we decided to have him cremated. Then she said she was just going to do it in that room, and I was like - "I can't. I can't be here and watch it. I feel guilty and horrible enough as it is to have just agreed to let you put him down." The hubs said he would stay because he didn't want him to die without at least one of us. So, I started saying goodbye to him and was about to leave the room but started bawling so I had to stick around for a few more seconds while I got my shit together. Suddenly Miles had this HUGE fit of sneezing and the worst snot I've ever seen come out of his little skull. It made me laugh for some reason, because even though it was horrible, it was EXACTLY what I needed to see in order to be okay with what was about to happen. I tried to wipe his nose, but our vet said she'd take care of it so I could get myself back in line so I could leave and walk through the regular waiting room. Like it mattered, I had myself together when I left the room and as soon as my foot entered the normal waiting area I just lost it. (I had to carry his effing empty carrier out to the car with a bunch of strangers and their pets looking at me - THE WORST.) So I went to the car and hyperventilate-cried for about 8 minutes until the hubs came out and it was over. He was SO upset, but it made me feel better that I wasn't a freak for being so heartbroken. The hubs said that Miles was pretty chill, they gave him the sedative so he just kind of laid down and went to sleep, and the hubs was telling him we loved him, and then the vet said "he's gone" and the hubs didn't even notice that he'd stopped breathing. So...pretty peaceful.

**big sigh**

It's weird being in a one cat household. Boo is certainly soaking up the attention we're giving him. We both feel guilty at the same time, like Miles is somehow seeing the attention we're showering on Boo and getting jealous or something (we were always VERY equal in our attention and love we showed to the boys when they were in the same room).

Each day will get better, but I expect it to suck for a few weeks. I started crying again in the shower this morning...but shower cries are better than the "at my desk" cries I was having on Monday and Tuesday.

I'm really REALLY looking forward to heading to my parents house this weekend. Getting away will help, I think.

25 weeks

How far along? 25 weeks.
Total weight gain/loss: About +/-17 lbs.
Maternity clothes? Indeed.
Stretch marks? My worst news to report. Leftie (that would be my left boob) has been stretchie stricken. Is there no mercy?!
Sleep: A little better, but I wake up a lot and struggle to get comfortable. I'm also a portable heater when I sleep. :)
Best moment this week: Passing the 1hr Glucose!
Movement: Yep. Had a few decent flips too! Mother- & Sister-in-laws got to feel a few kicks this weekend.
Food cravings: Still sweets. Think a gallon of chewy sprees. Mmm...
Gender: Thinking girl.
Labor Signs: Still with the Braxton Hicks, but cervix checked and NO movement on the active labor front, thank GOD.
Belly Button in or out? Barely innie.
What I miss: I already miss my kittie Miles. (More on that below.)
What I am looking forward to: Seeing my mom & dad and dad's family this weekend! And getting the nursery painted. :)
Weekly Wisdom: I'm hard pressed to come up with anything this week.
Milestones: Passing the glucose, and nearly onto the 6th month!

Onto the sad news. We've decided that the time has come to put our kitteh Miles to sleep. He's been ill for a number of years with both pre-cancerous inflammatory bowel disease and inflammatory rhinitis, and after this past weekend, he's grown ill enough where we can't justify prolonging his life anymore. He's such a sweet boy and does not deserve this, but we don't see an alternative. We love him so much, and he is more than part of the family. He has been my best buddy for the past 8 years, and he will be sorely missed. We'll more than likely be making his final appointment at the vet tomorrow or the next.

We'll miss you, my sweet sweet boy.

[insert misc four-letter word here]

Okay, most everyone will tell you, that aside from a few tired days where I had a short fuse due to sleepiness, I've been fairly okay to deal with. No outbursts, no crying fits, no douchiness overall.

Yesterday, that came to a screeching halt.

My day overall was lame. It started with a large pile of cat vomit (crabby factor= 2). I worked, got sucked into projects that aren't mine (crabby factor=3), and luckily got to leave a little early so I could bring the Black Beauty (my trusty CR-V) in for an oil change. However, leaving early also meant being on the light rail with everyone that was at the Twins game. These aren't your average transit customers - these are idiots that don't know how to use mass transit times 1,540. All of us, crammed into a train, me protecting my tummy, standing next to a TOTAL booze hound. (Crabby factor now at a 5, trying to bring 'er back to a 1 since I'm done with work for the day.)

I get home only to encounter THREE MORE PILES OF CAT BARF. (Crabbies now to an 8.) I quickly clean them up and hop in my car only to deal with rush hour traffic. (Crabbies holding around a 9.) Oil change complete, I drive home hoping the hubs is back from the game. (He was lucky enough to skip out of work for the afternoon and go. And also drink all day.). And there's another pile of barf. And then another. That brings the barf total to SIX BARF CLEAN UPS. I'm at a full blown 10 on the crabby scale and the hubs is not home and not answering his phone. At this point, I'm screaming at the cats and any inanimate object that gets in my way. I'm near tears and cannot even attempt to calm myself down. We had planned on going to Lowes that evening to get another estimate for new doors for our house, and I was just not feeling it anymore. The hubs finally gets home, and I am SO MAD at this point that I'm thinking if I stabbed him, he probably wouldn't press charges and I would feel SO MUCH BETTER. So, instead of inflicting bodily harm on him, I decide to go to the store and buy bread. I came home, ate a sammich and ironed shirts just so I could be by myself...because I knew if I sat in the same room as the hubs I would just burst into tears. Later I went to bed and had bizzare dreams all night and woke up feeling as though I'd been hit by a bus.

Now. I know that I have been able to deal with these kinds of things before without allowing them to affect my mood. However, everything combined with clearly elevated hormones made me a mad woman yesterday. I feel bad for being crabby with the hubs, but I honestly couldn't help it, and part of me feels like he deserves to feel my wrath since he didn't have an infant using his cervix as a trampoline yesterday.

I'm less crabby today, but still feel like if there were another chain of events like yesterday I would more than likely grab the nearest object and bludgeon someone with it.

Deep breaths.

Finally, a break(down).

Last night, all my lack of sleep and worries about our sick little kitty came to a head, and I got a good, long cry taken care of. He was so ill last night, could barely breathe and obviously in extreme discomfort. I felt so useless and was at the end of my rope. I emailed his vet (who might I add, is the nicest, best vet on the planet) and she got back to me within a half an hour. After a couple hours, we had a plan in place to bring him in this morning and flush his nose again so that he can breathe at least for the next few weeks. I was a wreck trying to figure out how I could enjoy our vacation with him being so ill. THANK GOD for Dr. Cordner.

So, as we speak, Mr. Miles the cat is at the U Vet Hospital, hopefully recuperating after his little procedure. I hope he's a new man when I get him back this afternoon.

The husband was nothing but sweet and supportive of me during my complete emotional breakdown. We had a rough conversation about "the end" and what that means, and as much as it hurts, we know what (and when) to do (it). I love him like he's my child, but I cannot sit back and watch him suffer as much as he has in the past 72 hours. At any rate, when Miles would start to have serious problems breathing or have a sneezing fit, the hubs got up with him so that I could sleep. That gesture alone made me fall in love with him all over again.

In uterus news, lots of pinching/searing feelings in my tummy & abdomen. And still dizzy. I cannot wait until AF comes and I can be a crazy person with imaginary 2ww symptoms, just like everyone else.

7dpo